Jokes

Here are some mostly short jokes that I know.


What is Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAND EEEEEEEYYYYYEEEEE


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.


Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “Getting pretty hot in here.” The second says, “Oh my God, a talking muffin!”


Two fish swam into a wall. One turned to the other and said “Dam”.


Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. Ba-dum tsss.


Two cows are in a field, one says, “Mooo!” and the other says, “That’s what I was gonna say!"


Two cows in a field. One says, “I’m really worried about Mad Cow Disease.” The other says, “Not me, I’m a helicopter!"


Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony was okay, but the reception was amazing.


I think I just saw twin panda bears. That bears repeating.


Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?

Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.


Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.


How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten! Ten tickles!


What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.


How warm is the inside of a Taun-taun? Luke-warm.


A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.


The average person is really mean.


Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?


A systems programmer walks into a bar with a parrot on the shoulder. The bird squawks “Pieces of nine, pieces of nine!” The bartender turns to the programmer and asks what’s up with that. The programmer responds “It’s a parroty error” The bartender replies, “Ah, I thought he was a bit off.”


Yesterday, I swallowed food coloring. I’m okay, but I feel like I dyed inside.


This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.


I don’t want to get arrested for stealing kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.


Steak puns are a rare medium well done.


A SQL statement walks into a bar, sees a couple of tables and says, “Mind if I join you?”


I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.


What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.


What happened when the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red pain crashed into an island?

The sailors were marooned.


What do you call someone who sells themselves in exchange for spaghetti? A pasta-tute.


How do you sell a giraffe to a deaf guy? “WANNA BUY A GIRAFFE?”


I used to be a member of a secret cooking society, but they kicked me out for spilling the beans.


Why do sea gulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.


I ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster.


What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso.


I’m going to a reggae festival next weekend. I’m really dreading it.


I just came to the realization that I have a fetish for figuring things out.


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the p is silent.


What’s a polar bear’s favorite food? Ice-bergers.


Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.


Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane, he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


Do you know a pirate’s favorite letter? You might guess R, but a pirate’s first love is the C.


There’s actually only 10 letters in the pirate alphabet. I, I , R, and the Seven C’s .


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch.” The pirate says, “Arrrr, it’s driving me nuts.”


What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye, Matey!


Did you know photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic! They also have volume! But it’s okay, they’re very light.


A photon checks into a hotel. The clerk says, “Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies, “No, sir, I’m traveling light."


The past, present and future all walked into a bar. It was tense.


A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot is wearing sunglasses. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s pretty neat, where’d you get that?” The parrot says, “Over in France, they’ve got millions of’em.”


Cows, each and every one of them, outstanding in their field.


I found an origami porn TV channel. But it’s paper view only.


How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one, or two? One… or two?


Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.


My wife said she was leaving me over my obsession with The Monkees. At first I didn’t believe her, but then I saw her face…


What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business


What do you call a nose detached from a body. No body nose.


Never trust an atom, they make up everything.


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, “For you? No charge."


My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it’s also terrible.


He threw a gallon of milk at my head. How dairy?


A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.” The horse says, “Me neither!”


The majority of people have an above-average number of legs.


I loaned my girlfriend $100 right after we met. I broke up with her three years later and she paid me back – exactly $100. I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.


How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.


Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.


Knock Knock Who’s There? To To Who? It’s To Whom


Knock knock Who’s there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel!


Knock knock. Who’s there? I eat mop. I eat mop who?


Knock knock. Who’s there? Europe. Europe who? No, you’re a poo!


Why can’t you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?

Because they take things literally.


Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist that got off on a technicality?


Know why jokes about Jonestown are so funny? They have killer punchlines.


I got the words “jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.


Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?


Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting llama. Interrupting lla— I DONT KNOW WHAT SOUND A LLAMA MAKES


Knock knock Who’s there? Interrupting cow Interru- Moo!


A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?”


I’m So Meta Even This Acronym…


I started a band named 999 megabytes.We still haven’t gotten a gig.


How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!


I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but eventually I turned myself around.


How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.


Heisenberg, Ohm, and Schrödinger are in a car on a highway. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the police officer asks him “Do you know how fast you were going?” “No, but I know exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies. The police says “You were doing 130 in 80.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!” The officer thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead body back here?” “We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrödinger. The officer moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.


I tried cleaning my glasses with ketchup instead of water. It didn’t work very well, but heinzsight is 20/20


I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.


A small town erects a bell tower in the steeple in the church. Only after it is built does the priest realize that try have nobody who can ring the bell, because everyone has their own jobs they must do every day. The butcher is busy, the cobbler is busy, etc.

A few days later, a man comes to the priest with an offer to be the bell ringer. He explains that he has no job and no responsibilities and wants to help his town.

At this point, the priest realizes that the man has no arms.

“Sir, thank you for your offer, but I’m order to ring the bell, you must be able to life the hammer,” the priest explains.

The No Armed man disagrees. “Come up to the tower with me. I can show you that I can do this job.”

So the priest follows the man all the way up the bell tower. He tells the priest to step aside before running full speed at the large bell an slamming his face into it, producing a loud “DONG” sound.

“My goodness!” The priest says. “Are you ok?!”

The man assures the priest that he is fine and is more than capable of taking on this responsibility.

The priest gives him the job.

For months, on the hour, the No Armed Man runs full speed at the bell and rings it for the whole town to hear. Until one day, tragedy strikes.

The man misses the 8th DONG at 10am on Sunday and tumbles out of the bell tower just after church, in full view of the congregation.

The group gathers around him.

“Who is that No Armed man?” One person asks.

“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”

Meanwhile, the No Armed Man’s twin brother goes to the priest. He explains that this is a tragedy, but he would like to take up the mantle of his now-deceased brother.

Again, the brother has no arms.

The priest is hesitant, but the No Armed Brother insists that they go up to the bell tower so he can prove that he can do it. After all, the town still needs two more DONGs so that everyone will know it’s 10am.

Again, the priest leads a man with no arms to the top of the bell tower, and the brother runs full speed at the bell.

And misses on his first try. He, too, tumbles from the tower and smashes into the ground below.

The crowd turns to the new corpse.

“Now who is THIS?”

“I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for that guy over there.”


What makes a good tongue twister? Well, it’s hard to say.


I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.” – Tim Vine


Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing‽"


I accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.


Will glass coffins catch on? Remains to be seen!


Geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at.


Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!


What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I wouldn’t let a garbanzo bean on me.


A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, “What’s up with that?” The frog says, “Y’know, a few days ago it was just a little bump on my butt.”


I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.


How do farmers party? They turnip the beets.


What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.


I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.


Anyone can build a bridge that doesn’t fall down. Only an engineer can build a bridge that just barely doesn’t fall down.


What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant


People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.


Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks? We’ll know when the time comes!


I love the way the earth rotates. It really makes my day.


A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Got any gwapes?” “No” the bartender replies, and the duck waddles out. The next day, the duck waddles back in and asks the bartender, “Got any gwapes?” The bartender replies, “No, we don’t typically serve grapes.” The duck waddles back out.

The next day, the duck comes back and asks the bartender, “Got any gwapes?” The bartender is visibly annoyed, and says, “No! And if you ask that again, I’ll staple your feet to the floor!” The duck waddles back out.

A few days later, the duck comes back, and asks the bartender, “Got any staples?” The bartender is taken aback, and says no. The duck says, “Good. Got any gwapes?”


I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me but I don’t know if it was her or the beer talking.


I had a weird dream last night that I was on a ship in the middle of an ocean — an ocean that was made completely out of orange soda.

Such a pleasant fantasea.


What do you call a dog with no legs?

Whatever the hell you like, it ain’t going to come running to ya.


What do you call a dog that can perform magic tricks?A labracadabrador.


What did the doe say when she came walking out of the woods?

“That’s the last time I do that for two bucks.”


What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy… and the other is a little lighter.


What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.


What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with fake boobs?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.


Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.


That joke is so bad, it’s going in the dada-base.


What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.


Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.


Knock knock. Who’s there. Cow’s go. Cow’s go who? No cow’s go moo.


What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.


What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri tip.


What do you call a cow with one leg? A stake.


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


I’ve been told I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.


A man was late to the cannibal party. They gave him the cold shoulder.


What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear.


The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo. That shit was bananas.


Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4 doors, it’d be a chicken sedan.


I’m hosting a charity event for people who have trouble ejaculating. If you can’t come let me know.


Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.


What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

The Buddhist gives him a fifty, and the vendor pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change and the vendor replies ‘Change comes from within.’

The Buddhist pulls out a gun. “Whoa,” the vendor exclaims. “I thought you guys were about inner peace!” The buddhist replies, “This is my inner piece.”

The vendor replies, “No need to get violent. Do you want the fifty back or something valuable I recently found?” The Buddhist replies, “What did you find?” The vendor holds up a small peppermint chocolate with a hole in the middle, holds it up to the sun until a small light shines through the hole, and says “A light in mint”.

The Buddhist chips a tooth on the mint and so he goes to the dentist. The dentist goes to give him Novacaine but the Buddhist declines because he wants to transcend dental medication.


I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, “Thanks.” I said, “Don’t mention it."


The broom was late to work. He over swept.


One day a boy is talking to his father and he says, “Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician,” and his dad says, “No son, you can’t have it both ways.”


I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.


Why don’t blind people skydive? You ever seen a German Shepherd scream at 50,000 feet?


Did you hear the one about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?


Have you ever tried blind folded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.


I bought a dog from a blacksmith, but as soon as I got home he made a bolt for the door.


I had to take my bird to the vet. It’s got chirpies. It’s a canarial disease. It’s not tweetable.


Whats the difference between a well-dressed man riding a bicycle and a naked guy on a unicycle? Attire!


What do bears wear on their feet?

Nothing, they’re bare foot.


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.


What do you call a bear with no ears?

B.


Bear walks into a bar and says “Pint of… lager please.” The barman asks “Why the big pause?” and the bear replies: “Dunno, I’ve always had 'em.”


What do you call a bear in the rain?

A drizzly bear.


I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.


An atom walks into a bar and says, “I’ve lost my electrons.” The barman asks, “Are you sure?"

“I’m positive."


What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.


I spotted an albino Dalmatian the other day. It was the least I could do.


What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNNEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!


So is a rubber gasket on a aircraft carrier considered a Navy seal?


My lack of knowledge of Greek mythology is my Achilles elbow.


A ton of cows is not a lot of cows, it’s like 2.


A lethal dose is also a lifetime supply.


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am,” and poof he disappears!

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I think, therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.


A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting “20! 20! 20!”


What happens when you boil a funny bone?

It turns into a laughing stock.